to the newlyweds and I hope everybody has a full drink
because it is time for every wedding speech ever! (Applauding) - Hi, everyone. I hope you're all having as
much fun as I am tonight. For those of you who do not
know me, I am the maid of honor. - I am the groom's brother.
He felt obligated to make
me the best man even though we are not close at all. - I'm the bride's father. This is the first time
I'm seeing my ex-wife since the divorce so I'm
desperately trying to look good. - I'm the groom's mother
and I just wanna say...
- This day's all about Lauren
and Casey except for the next five minutes which will be
about me living out my dream of being a stand-up comedian. - I wasn't exactly sure how
to convey how much you two mean to me, so I wrote this poem. - I just spent four days with my brother and his actual friends. It was bad and not fun.
Everyone would've preferred
if I wasn't there. - Casey and Lauren, your love is true. Casey and Lauren, I wish
only the best for you. - The dictionary defines
soul mate as a person who's perfectly suited to
another in temperament.
And that's just like Casey and Lauren. - I love my baby. (Crying) - Casey and Lauren, you
will be together forever. Casey and Lauren, seeing
your love makes me feel light like a feather.
And now I will continue
for 10 more minutes. (Sobbing) - I can't wait to take my brother down. I remember the specific
shitty thing he did to me when we were little that
I should be over by now. - You're really more like a
sister to me than a best friend.
Seriously, what am I going to
do now that you're married? I am hanging on by a
fucking thread right now. - I'm so happy. - Growing up, Lauren loved to play Annie. Maybe that's why she's always looked at me as her Daddy Warbucks.
(Chuckling) That's right, I'm gonna keep
coming up with unfunny ways to remind everybody that
I paid for this wedding. - Do you remember what
happened at Horseshoe Lake? And who can forget that one
time on Bell Tower Hill. I will keep alienating everyone
else by vaguely alluding to things that only the
two of us experienced. - I think we can eat right now.
- Now I'm gonna raise some red flags. Here's a story about your
husband's first girlfriend who he treated like absolute shit. - I'm now going to embarrass
you in front of your family by hinting at some wild
night we had in college at a sex party where we
were both trashed and high out of our fucking minds. - Oh, oh, here's another
story about your husband hating women.
- Here's a joke about how
you'll probably get divorced but I'm not paying for the next wedding. - I am so excited that
I get to be a grandma. (Crying) - Thank you so much for letting
me be a part of your love. Wow, I'm just realizing how
that was the weirdest way to end this speech.
- Now you take care of my little girl. Make sure she stays out of trouble. You're the new man in her
life and other statements that sound nice but are
actually super misogynistic. - Yeah.
- Hi, it's Katie Marovitch
from College Humor. If you wanna subscribe, click over here and for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to
College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your
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and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me..
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